


Control

by Crystal



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Light Bondage, Light Dom/sub, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-24
Updated: 2012-02-24
Packaged: 2017-10-31 16:58:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/346385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crystal/pseuds/Crystal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mainly Adam talking about what he needs. Very brief mention of Sauli.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Control

I've known it for years. The need for it growing with each one that past. I still haven't admitted it to anyone yet. I really don't know if I can unless I find that right guy. I have to be in control, I need to be in control. It's what keeps me sane and always has. When I'm in control I know what they want, and how to give it to them. This control is not only for the bedroom. I need it to survive in the crazy world of fame that I live in. I must control, or at least try to control my own destiny. Even losing a small amount of it makes me start to feel nervous, and anxious to get it back again. Sure on Idol my future was, for the most part, controlled by peoples votes. I still felt I had control in the fact that I chose how I wanted the song to sound, I chose how I wanted to look, I chose how I wanted to get the reaction I was looking for. There was a very slight amount given up, but not enough to drive my need to get it back. 

There are times when I sit alone and wish I could make the compulsion stop. The closest I get to loosing it is when I drink too much. My mind is no longer focused on maintaining, but wandering as fast as my thoughts can take me. Even then, when I start to sober up again, the need is back. It takes me back to my reality. I almost hate it in that moment, because I felt so free, and it felt so good. No worries, no fear of losing it, nothing. I could just, be.

The only other time I really let myself free is in fantasy. I build up this elaborate scene in my head. It's a glimpse into what I want. What I believe will help me let go. It may seem weird to some that the only way I feel I can relinquish my control is to be controlled. To be dominated sexually, and to give up the one thing I have denied the men I have been with in my life. I need to bottom...

One would wonder why the act of giving up my ass would be the key to free me of my ways. I see it this way, being in control means being in charge, being the top. Always the top, and never giving up that role. I love pleasing the boy I'm with. Catering to his needs, in and out of the bedroom, treasuring him, providing for him, and loving him deeply. Although I know those things will never change, I'll always want to be that for them. But I do need someone to care for me sometimes too. As much as I want to always be like that, there are days I need. Days I wish I could let that guard down and allow someone to fuss over me.

Perhaps that's why I tell everyone how vanilla I am. Laugh at the idea of bondage, or toys. I make myself sound repressed. I make it sound like I only “make love” to the boys I'm with. When in truth, I want the freak to emerge from under the surface. If my stage shows have shown anything, it's that there is a freak under there. Even a bottom if you watch the right videos. 

I know he's there, he comes out to play when I'm alone at night. Lying there naked, my eyes shut as my fantasy world emerges. Of course there is the top fantasies when I'm fucking a boy so hard he can hardly contain himself, or he's my pretty little bound pet that I get to toy with as I please. But the ones that get me off even more than those are me giving up control. The thought of it sends a shiver along my spine. 

The moment that thought enters my mind, I'm hard almost instantly. I watch myself through someone else's eyes. I'm on my knees, naked before him. The collar on my neck, the leather cuffs binding my hands behind me, my eyes on the floor in utter submission. He knows what I need, and knows he needs to force me to give it to him. It's the only way I will ever give up my ass. He circles me, calling me his pretty little boy, telling me that I will give myself fully to him tonight. I bite my lip, fighting the urge to say something, to tell him no. I need the control he is taking from me, I might crack if I don't have it. As if sensing my frustration nearing defiance, his finger comes under my chin, forcing me to look into his eyes. 

“If you don't want me to have control...” His finger leaves my chin, finding it's way down to my cock. A quick, firm grasp, making me gasp. “Then why is this so fucking hard.”

My eyes still on his, I bite my lip harder.

“Speak.” his tone calm, but demanding.

“I do sir. I... I want you to have it.” My voice is shaky as his fingers graze my cock over and over.

“Say the word.”

“I...” I can barely even say it, how am I supposed to allow it.

“Say it!” His tone makes me shudder.

“I want you to take control from me. To take all of me... sir.”

“Good boy.”

Outside the fantasy world, my body is already on the verge of spiraling out of control. My cock throbbing without a single touch. I feel bound, even though I am not. My hands refuse to move to sate the horrible ache, they remain clutched in the sheets as the imagery plays on. Only when he unbinds my hands and tells me what to do in my fantasy, do my hands move from the sheets at my side.

“Tell me what you need.” He reaches down, releasing my hands from the leather cuffs.

My hands stay behind my back after they are released. I try my best, but can not look up at him.

“Look at me.” A simple demand, but my body reacts in another shiver.

I slowly look up, eyes locking on his which are filled with power, darkened with lust.

“Speak Adam.” My name from his lips, making my cock twitch.

“I need you...” I don't think I can finish the sentence.

He arches an eyebrow, waiting for the rest. When I take too long, he grabs my chin, coming nose to nose with me.

“Fucking say it.”The words nearly a growl, he is clearly upset with me.

My mind is resisting, my lips are struggling, my voice trying desperately to seep through. I feel like I'm holding my breath, and in reality I am. It all feels so real, that my body is reacting just as if it were actually happening.

“Take it... take my ass... please sir.” I utter the phrase in both realms and feel my body go from rigid to plaint. The weight of the words lifted from my shoulders.

“Good boy. I know how much you needed to say the words.” The praise is enforced with a stroke of my hair which makes me smile. “Now my pretty boy, I need you to show me.”

I bite my lip again as the lube lands at my side. 

“Show me how much you need this. How badly you want me to take it. I don't just want to see it Adam. Let me hear it, make me feel your need.” 

“Yes sir.” I reply as he points me to the bed. Head bowed, lube in hand, I climb onto the bed. On hands and knees I look back, awaiting instruction. 

“On your back, finger that pretty pink hole for me.”

I lie back and open the lube, spreading some onto my finger. So engulfed in the fantasy I do the same in reality. My slick finger making a hesitant path down towards my ass. Worlds collide as the finger circles my hole, gasping at the slick feel. I move around it again and again. Am I afraid to proceed, or do I need to be told?

“Stick it in.” The voice rings through my head, making me whimper.

My eyes squeeze tight as the finger slides inside. I stop, frozen as my body feels the small invasion. I move it slowly in and out, moaning softly at the feel. I feel my body wanting to move, to push against my finger. 

“Add another finger. Tell me about it when you're doing it.”

“Yes.” My voice small, but I still comply.

I gently slip in the second finger. “Feels good sir. So good.” I moan louder as I push it as deep as I can. This time my body does move, hips arching, seeking more of the feeling. My fingers move a bit faster this time, in and out, gently stretching me wider. “I love the feel of my fingers inside. Tight and hot.”

My eyes fly open. Saying the words in reality triggering things I've never felt. I know it's no where near to what I'll feel when I do get this for real, but in this moment my mind is in overdrive. The realness almost too much, I have to back away from going this far. My fingers slid out in that moment. It seems almost sacred to me, like I should wait to really do that for someone. My fantasy realm does not change, he's added a third, prepared to take the beautiful cock he's been given glimpses of.

The trance of merged planes broken, my hand finds my cock. Twitching and leaking profusely from the treatment in my fantasy. I can't help but groan, my hips arching into my touch. I need to come so badly, but this fantasy is far from over yet. My strokes are slow, almost teasing as I feel every light touch down to my toes.

My eyes slip closed again as I watch my fantasy self. Whimpers and moans pour constantly from my lips as I ready myself for him. His eyes are showing approval but I know he wants more. I can feel it. I try in vain to utter the words, moans and groans take their place.

“Say it. I can see it in your eyes. It's right there at the surface isn't it?” He climbs onto the bed, hovering over me, fingers sliding along my hand, down my fingers to tease my filled hole. His hard cock pressed against mine, making me throb against him. “Say it Adam. You owe yourself this. Let go...”

For a split second realms merge once more and we both utter the words, “Fuck me... please...” I shudder, saying them in reality only serving to turn me on even more, if that is possible at this point.

Back to observing, I watch as my hand is snatched away, replaced within seconds with the head of his cock poised to enter. I whimper beneath him, body seeking what he is about to give. He slips inside, just the head, and I watch my body react. My back arches, my eyes closed, mouth falling open at just the first feel of his cock entering my waiting ass. In reality my hand stills, but my grip is tight as ever as I force myself not to come. I must see this fantasy through. I will only come when he allows it.

I watch as he slowly thrusts into me fully. My whole body goes still as I let the feeling wash over me. He has taken what I have never given anyone before and I can feel it down to my core. He watches me, my mind and body processing it all. Waits for that one tiny signal from me that says proceed. He gets it when my body moves towards his, craving movement. I watch him start slow, he never wants to hurt me. The more I relax, the harder he thrusts. Over and over till I am a mess beneath him, my cock needing attention, I look up with desperate eyes.

“Touch yourself, but don't come.”

“Yes, Thank you sir.” My hand find my cock, but it's extremely difficult for me not to come as I have been ready to burst in the early minutes of this.

I feel the same in my real world. Aching to burst at any moment. My strokes so painstakingly slow, my body burning for release. All either of us can do is watch and wait. His thrusts barely controlled as the pleasure takes him. 

“Please.” The whimpering beg slides easily from my lips.

“No.” I shudder at the harsh tone, my cock throbs.

He continues to take his pleasure. Changing his angle just a bit, I watch my body arch almost completely off the bed. I know he's hit my spot, and am amazed that I didn't shoot instantly. Again and again he hits it, my breathing erratic, moans and silent screams being torn from my throat.

“Come!”

A single word and I am gone. A scream wretched from my lips as the fantasy and real me come with a blinding force. In the fantasy, tears stream down my cheeks as it completely overwhelms me. I had released my control, I gave everything and I feel free.

In my world I am panting watching the fantasy come to a close. I lie there aching to have the feelings my fantasy self had gone through. Aching to feel that freedom. Wanting that right person to free me. 

I know it will not come easy. I could not even come to that point without a deep trust in my partner. I need to feel totally loved on every level for me to relinquish even a bit of that control. If I give it up, and that person takes it with no remorse, it will shatter me. I would and could never be the same after that.

I need to find him. I want to find him. I feel like I've been searching forever. Some days I felt like I would never find him. 

I have someone now. I believe me writing this is a way to confront these feelings once again. To bring them back around to the forefront. I'm falling hard, and falling fast. He is just too perfect. My beautiful blond boy. I love that he doesn't care about the fame and that he just wants to be with me. He wants me, with all my imperfections, my worries, and my doubts. I love him, but I'm always so guarded with my feelings now. After a past boyfriend ripped my heart out and threw it in the trash, I get scared to let anyone else handle it. I want to trust him. To place my fragile, slightly bloodstained heart in his hands. To open up to him completely. To give him everything. To have him help me to share, or even give up the control I hold onto so tightly.


End file.
